Picture Update

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Let me give you a mental image:  This morning Tim left late for work because he wanted to get the girls’ breakfast and feed the dogs so I could sleep in a little (until 7:35 a.m.).  He knew that my baby (we switch boys each night to be fair) had been up since 4:50 a.m. while his had slept until 7!  Once he left I got Kennedy in the shower, made myself toast and the all important cup of coffee.  My morning “rush hour” as I call it ended with my breastfeeding both boys simultaneously while Kennedy sat in front of me reading her homework so I could comb her hair.  That was until my alarm went off blaring “I like to move it, move it…”  through out our home telling Kennedy it was time to get her shoes and jacket on.  She had one shoe securely fastened when her bus pulled up – seven minutes early!  Still breastfeeding, I threw her incomplete homework in her backpack before she slung it around her shoulders.  I shouted my “I love yous” and told her to zip up her coat and put her hood up over her sopping wet hair as she ran for her bus.  Not my best parenting but at least she was clean and going to school, right?!  Ten minutes later I finished breastfeeding and burping the boys, and settled into the couch to snuggle with the boys and Addie to watch Super Why!  Phew!

Another “rush hour” down, and I didn’t even mention my two barking dogs!  So it is clear why I haven’t had the time I would like to write on my blog.  I really want to – but my hours just slip past me and another day goes by without a post.  That is why I thought I would do a post of pictures.  That I can fit into my day – so here you go!  Here are some pictures of our family from the past couple months.  Some are from my phone, so the quality isn’t great but I don’t always have the hands free to grab my big camera.

Disclaimer

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It is not the four kids, I was made for that – in fact as I type this post Addison is climbing on me while Carter and Griffin are sleeping on my chest.  And I am loving every snuggly minute!  It isn’t that I can’t sit down without a child wiggling their way onto my lap, or wanting me to get back up to get them something.  In my house someone is usually crying, about to cry or just got done crying.  These aren’t the things that wear me down or make me so tired at night that I fall asleep before my head hits the pillow.  I am not denying that all of this can be a bit tiring at times and my husband usually has to kick me out of the house to enjoy some “me” time every week I take all of it in stride and really do feel so blessed to be a part of it.   God made me to be a mom.

Unfortunately, God didn’t make me to be a particularly tidy person, or  very organized for that matter.  I don’t like to pick up (I hear some people do, strange!)  and I detest putting away laundry.  Anyone who knew me as a teenager and saw my bedroom can attest to my weakness when it comes to putting things away!  This is where I find myself utterly exhausted.  Even if I got a full night’s sleep (which I don’t see happening anytime in the near future with two baby boys) I can’t see myself escaping the complete and overwhelming exhaustion that follows the dishes, laundry and general mess of having four kids and two dogs!  Let me clarify, I’m not gross – I do like to clean when it involves dusting, Clorox and the like – it is the picking up to get to that point which holds me back.

I have friends who have four kids, and they always seem so calm about the messy things in life – I have always admired their relaxed approach.  Now I know it is because they are too tired to exude the energy to get worked up about the small stuff.   Sure their personalities lead them to take things in stride but I bet a lot of their approach comes from their drive to survive the mess without going insane!

So this is where I sit today, at the bottom of a pile of clothes to be folded, dishes to be put away and toys to be picked up.  And I am too tired to pull myself out from under the heap!  But I will, not to worry – because if I don’t I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the park with Addie this afternoon, snuggling with the boys without guilt, or enjoy watching Kennedy master her forward roll at gymnastics because all I would be thinking about was my to do list that never gets shorter.

So instead of fretting over the mess that never goes away, I write this disclaimer:

I will be doing my best to keep up with all that goes along with four kids and two dogs.  However, if you come to my house you can expect that there will be dishes in the sink, laundry to be washed, dried, folded and put away, toys on the floor and a toy room that has a magical ability to make its own mess – no matter how much I try to organize and clean it.  So be ready to roll up your sleeves and get to work or look away – because I will be too busy being a mom to four wonderful kids to worry about impressing you with my housekeeping skills! 

Okay, enough sitting for one day…time to go do the dishes!

A month in numbers

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115:  The number of days our family spent at Children’s hospital – from my admittance to Griffin’s discharge.

98: The number of days Carter spent in the NICU.

108: The number of days Griffin spent in the NICU.

44: The number of days Carter has been home.

33: The number of days Griffin has been home, the number of days we have had our entire family together!

19: The number of doctor’s appointments the boys have had since being home.

102: The number of times Griffin’s monitor has beeped

1: The number of times Griffin’s monitor has beeped when there was an actual problem – and this was the day before he came home!

5: The number of weeks the boys would be if they had been born on my due date.

20: The actual age of the boys in weeks.

7.03: Griffin’s weight!

8.03: Carter’s weight!

Kennedy's bedtime ritual...holding each of her brothers!

Countless: The number of diapers we have changed, bottles we have washed, hours we have spent holding the boys, and times we have been caught in a moment full of gratitude and amazement at all we have come through and how well we are doing!

It has been a very busy month, there were times when I could barely keep my eyes open, or formulate a sentence from the absolute exhaustion.  There have also been times when I have been angry and sick of dealing with all that we have been given to handle.  I have had my moments where I felt sorry for myself and overwhelmed with all that goes along with raising ex micro preemies.  But then I snap out of it – often afer a reassuring talk with Tim.  All in all, we feel exceedingly grateful for all that we have been given, even if it does mean worrying a little bit more!  I won’t sugar coat it, having two “newborns” at home with special needs, a two-year old who shows no fear and a five-year old who has stories to tell is a lot of work.  I am sometimes moody,  frequently looking disheveled and always tired!  But I have also never been happier, never felt more fulfilled as a mom, never had such an acute sense of appreciation for all of the wonderful and ordinary moments that happen in my day.

Griffin and Carter are doing so well I hate to write it out loud in fear of jinxing our good fortune!  Carter now only requires oxygen and monitors while sleeping, and after a very scary past couple of weeks his eyes are finally showing improvements and we are increasingly optimistic about his vision future.  He smiles when he sleeps, and continues to be a very content and calm little man.  Griffin is officially wire free as of Thursday and other than his reflux his issues seem to all be subsiding.  He is quite the  snuggler and has already learned how to manipulate his way into our arms, tonight he intentionally smiled at me, so wonderful.  I freely admit that they both have our family wrapped around their little fingers!

Addie, such a proud big sister!

We have another Lung Center appointment in a couple of weeks and hope that by then Carter’s lungs will have improved enough to get rid of the oxygen all together.  To say we are ready for the day when both of our boys are free from wires and tubes would be a colossal understatement!!

I do miss the NICU, as strange as that may sound.  The staff there had become so much a part of our daily lives and we owe them so much for all that they have done for us.  After the boys came home it was as if we lost our friends and support system.  I still keep in touch with a few people but it is still so odd not to see them everyday after they played such a major role in our family for so long.

It is because of the amazing treatment we received in the NICU that we have decided to make the March for Babies a major event for our family.  This year we have formed a team and will walk in honor of our three ex-preemies and to help to raise funds for treatment for future preemies.  What modern medicine can do to not only keep tiny little fighters like ours alive but help them to thrive is nothing short of amazing and our goal is to forever honor our journey by raising money for the March of Dimes.  If you would like to donate to our team, or better yet – join us on April 29th for the March for Babies visit our team page!  Every little bit helps, every walker counts!

What a great day it will be to walk with Griffin and Carter, in a walk to raise awareness and funds for premature births knowing that only six months earlier they weighed only 1.08 lbs and were fighting to survive.  Nothing short of a miracle!

Blame it on my glasses!

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Blame it on the rose-colored glasses I worked so hard to find over the past five months but life at home with two babies is not all that bad, in fact I love it!  The first time I held both of the boys at the same time in the NICU I remember breaking out in a sweat.  It was in that moment that the reality set in that we would have two babies at home some day.  And frankly, the thought of that made me a tad bit nervous.  One day as I rocked them, one of the doctors came in to chat and asked if I was okay, she said I seemed quieter than normal, more stressed.  I explained that since the boys were close to coming home my mind was overwhelmed with the planning and stress of what was to come.  I’m not too far removed from baby life, Addie is only two and a half, I remember the crying, sleepless nights, constant worry…I remembered what is in store for us – times two!  I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with all that was to come with having Griffin and Carter home. 

And it turns out, I worried for nothing!  Sure, we change about 20 diapers a day, make 20 bottles, I sit down to breastfeed what seems like every hour, untwist Carter’s oxygen tubing more times than we can count, wash binkies, blankets, bibs and baby clothes non stop but we have yet to be overwhelmed.  Tim and I have created a routine for ourselves and the boys, the girls and the dogs all seem to be settling into it nicely.  Griffin cries a lot due to the pain caused by his severe reflux, Carter is more laid back but is constantly moving, thus constantly kicking his blankets off or losing his binkie.  This has become the background music of our home, these sounds and the loud rumble of the oxygen concentrator and beeping monitors!   

My brother and his wife had a baby last week.  I was overjoyed to hear of his birth, and more than excited to hear every detail I could soak up about him.  My love for my new nephew and pride for my brother was instantaneous.  And it wasn’t until I felt that instant joy at hearing the news of Corbin’s arrival did I realize how much I longed for that feeling.  I have four wonderful kids, I wouldn’t trade them or their journey’s into our family for anything but I was jipped from feeling the instant joy when three of my four children were born.  Having a preemie baby changes that phone call.  When Kennedy was born we called everyone to announce her arrival with happy tears in our eyes and a huge amount of pride.  When Addie, Griffin and Carter were born we made the same phone calls but with concern in our voice and a worried voice on the other end of the line.   Just a realization I had, but not a complaint.  IT is my firm belief that everything happens the way that it should.  And in no way does my experience with my preemie kids take away from my joy for those with full term healthy babies.  I hope nobody confuses my reflections for whining, or a cry for advice.  It is simply a reflection.

There hasn’t been a week since Carter came home four weeks ago where we didn’t have at least one specialist appointment to attend for one, or both, of the boys.  The medical binder I carry wherever I go with all of their information is growing bigger by the day.  Knowing all of their past issues, present concerns, medications and needs gets a bit exhausting.  Tomorrow we go back to the hospital to have blood drawn, Wednesday to the lung center to see if Carter can handle being on O2 only at night, Friday the eye center where they are closely watching Carter’s slow healing eyes.  Next week the pediatrician, eye center again and cardiologist, I believe, and the week after that the hearing clinic.  It is tiring, and makes me long for the days when the boys’ lives aren’t filled with doctors appointments. 

But then I spend the afternoon snuggling with both of them on my chest and Addie curled up next to me and I forget the appointments and special needs and simply enjoy being a mom.   Because the reality is that I would go to a different doctor everyday if it meant that I could be Griffin and Carter’s mom.  They are wonderful.  Carter is laid back – he is a content baby, happy to just to be in the mix of the family action.  Like so many months ago when Carter needed extra sedation to stay still he continues to be a mover.  Constantly picking his head up, kicking and waving his arms.  I love to watch him move, the way he examines his hands and eagerly sucks his fingers.  Griffin is a snuggler, he loves to be held and shimmies himself into you for his long naps.  He has the best looks and when he is wide away looks at me in a way that puts a huge grin on my face.  His face is just perfect!  The girls are so in love with both of them.  Addie is always asking to hold “her baby”, and she is amazing at throwing away diapers!  Kennedy of course is over the moon about being a big sister.  She is ever vigilant about Carter’s nasal cannula placement and hand sanitizer.  One of my favorite things to do is watch her snuggle with her brothers.  She is so gentle and loving. 

So I will continue to wear my rose-colored glasses because, while sometimes it is hard, right now…I love my life!

February Financial Fast

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Well I have hit the big time!  A friend of mine, and fellow blogger, asked me to be a guest blogger at her blog Life in the Nest!  She has a great blog about all things frugal, family and fun in the home and after I told her of our family’s latest challenge she asked me to chronicle it on her site!  How exciting!  Not to worry, this challenge is self-inflicted and one we are looking forward to with hopes of great financial rewards!!!  To read about it simply click on the link to Life in the Nest.  (This is just the beginning, when I become a famous blogger you can say you read me first here 😉

Busy Bliss

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I didn’t even try to hold in the tears as we drove away from the hospital with our full  minivan Monday evening.  I can’t begin to describe how it felt to have all of my children with me, to be done with the NICU, to know that my boys are healthy and now solely in our care.  It was surreal, overwhelming, wonderful, nerve-racking, a moment I will never forget.  It was 115 days start to finish since I was admitted into the hospital with signs of labor till this moment.  115 days that have forever changed Tim and I, as well as Kennedy I imagine as she is old enough to be impacted by this life event.  To drive away from the hospital with the knowledge that we made it through was so  powerful, and beyond an answered prayer.

And then reality set in!  Our first 10 minutes at home with our two boys was anything but surreal.  Loud, chaotic, hectic would be a better description!  We set the boys down in their car seats and the next thing we know they are both crying and have alarms blaring.  The girls are asking for it to stop, the dogs are barking and Tim and I are laughing at the entire mess.  We can’t figure out which alarm is still beeping, which boy to pick up first and so the craziness continues for what seemed like hours (probably another 30 seconds).  But then we got our bearings and the beeping stopped.  Tim cradled both boys as I settled in the girls, and the house quieted down.  But still it was entertaining and made me wish we had a camera set up to capture the moment.  It couldn’t have been a more stressful homecoming if it was scripted.  Short lived, but stressful.  Since that first few minutes at home with Griffin and Carter we have all come to embrace our new roles at home.  The girls are wonderful and loving, the dogs are calm and protective and Tim and I are savoring each minute of sleep we can get and enjoying holding the boys as much as we are able.

I’m sure when I am farther away from it I will sit down and write a reflection of all that we have been through in the last 115 days.  I would even like to transition this blog from one chronicling our family’s journey in the NICU to one that reflects our daily life.  But as I type my 28th post I have Griffin snuggled in my wrap around my chest, one hand periodically rocking Carter in his bouncy seat, Beau’s ( our boxer/mastiff mix) head on my lap while listening to Tim and the girls do dishes in the kitchen.  Right now I’m too close to life to write about it.  But my goal is to keep writing because I love it and I feel like it centers me.  In the meantime here are the first of many pictures from a little photo shoot I did with the boys today!  I plan to finish the photo shoot tomorrow when they are sleepier (thus more cooperative), oh my poor boys – I just can’t help myself!

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100 days!!

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Being an elementary teacher I have seen first hand the celebration that comes with reaching 100 days.  There are hats, parades, 100 treats, songs, and overall jubilation that the young students have reached 100 days in schools.  In Chinese cultures some families host a 100 day celebration for their infants’.  This is where they introduce the baby to the family and celebrate that the child has survived so long, thus showing its vitality for life.  The boys were 100 days on Monday – so how did we celebrate you ask?  Well, Carter is home and had his first pediatrician appointment.  He cried a lot while being examined.  Griffin, still in the hospital but in preparation for coming home was circumcised.  Man, what celebrations!  Poor boys!  In all honesty though, I didn’t realize Monday was 100 days.  I barely knew it was Monday – I’m so tired and busy working to perfect my multitasking skills!  But had I known I admit the elementary school teacher in me would not have been able to resist a little celebration – there would have been cupcakes and party signs for sure!  I guess I will have to save that celebration for when both boys are home.

Speaking of having them home, we are in heaven having Carter home with us.  We are so grateful to have him with us we hardly complain about getting up throughout the night and poopy diapers!  When I walked into Carter’s room on Thursday and his nurse said we could take him home it didn’t seem real.  All of those months, watching him from his bed.  Helping the nurses take care of my child was coming to a close, making Carter ours to take care of all by ourselves.  A very surreal feeling.  We didn’t tell the girls on purpose since they had been hearing Carter was coming home any day for weeks now, we knew if we told them it would just be lip service and they wouldn’t believe us.  The joy on Kennedy’s face is a joy I will remember forever – her show of excitement makes me wish I was five again and could feel such joy without  the burden of stress along with it.

Carter being home, with all of his oxygen tubing, beeping monitors and medications has been easier than I had expected.  After all, that is all we have known for our boys – wires, alarms and medical needs.  Not to mention, unlike bringing home a “normal” newborn where you may have a few encounters with a nurse to teach you all the tricks of keeping your baby happy, eating, comfy and calm I had three months!  I should write a book with all the tricks the nurses taught me, if I can’t make my boys content then shame on me for not paying attention to their insider tips.

However, the stress of not being able to see Griffin as much as I would like has been hard.  I know that Griffin is being taken care of in the NICU and I know that Carter needs me at home for his home nurse visits, multiple doctors appointments he has already had since coming home, and of course for snuggling time!  Still, I miss Griffin terribly and am counting the minutes until we can have everyone healthy and under one roof.  We hope that will be home some time at the beginning of next week or this weekend.  Griffin still has brady spells in which his heart rate drops dangerously low.  Most of these are when he is eating and are caused by reflux, which is common for preemies.  But some are when he is sleeping and without warning, these are the scary ones and the ones that are keeping him in the NICU.   Like his younger brother, Griffin will come home with a heart and respiratory monitor just to keep us on our toes and as an extra layer of attentiveness for him.  Still, these machines are not always reliable and are forever sending ear-piercing beeps throughout our home.

In the end the bottom line is my boys are 100 days old and they have only one surgery between them, no brain bleeds, no major heart problems, in fact no major problems to speak of  after being born 15 weeks early weighing only 1 pound, 8 ounces each.  So I will take the loud beeps and the long hospital stay if I have to.   A belated happy 100 days to my tiny little fighters!

Surprise!!!!!

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Carter is home!!!!   I’m not sure that it has set in yet that he is finally home – maybe tomorrow when I wake up, or in the middle of the night when I hear him cry it will become real.  It is just so amazing – I have no words.  Griffin should follow soon! 

I will post more details and thoughts later including video (thanks Pam:) and pictures!  Right now I am busy…holding my son!