For this post I decided not to pick an emotion. And since I am not standing face to face with someone waiting for a response but instead sitting comfortably on my couch with all the time in the world my answer to the question everyone asks is this…
So how am I feeling?
I am ANGRY because both of my boys have some pretty serious infections that they contracted from simply being in the hospital. They have gone through a series of antibiotics and yet still, they test positive for staph epidermidis, pseudomonas and stenotrophomonas. So now they each will have a spinal tap to rule out meningitis.
That of course brings me to SCARED.
I am JOYFUL because Griffin has pooped on his own many times since yesterday (he used to only poop when they gave him medicine). I am also joyful today because Griffin is no longer on a ventilator so I got to change his diaper!! This is the most interaction I have had with either boy since they were born. I nearly teared up as I prepared to change him then laughed to myself as I realized that in a few months I will look back on this moment and think I was crazy for being so excited, as I change my 40th diaper for the day!
I am SAD sometimes as I pack up the maternity clothes I will never wear, the nesting that I will never feel, the pregnancy that I never got to see till the “normal” end. I have talked with other moms of preemies and it is such a funny thing how you mourn the shortened pregnancy. I’ve caught myself a few times thinking about events I thought I would be attending as a quite round pregnant woman, and it makes me sad. Which is ironic because when I was pregnant and thought of that same event and me being whale-like I dreaded it!
I am HAPPY each time I walk into the boys’ room and see their little faces! And I am just as HAPPY when I come home from the hospital to my busy house and my even busier two girls at home. I am not sure I have hugged or kissed Kennedy and Addison as much in their lives as I have in the last three weeks. They bring me happiness everyday!
I am OVERWHELMED sometimes as I drive home from the hospital alone. Thinking about the daily report from the doctors, the changes the boys have made, and then all of the things I should be getting done at home. Finding motivation for “real life” needs like dishes and dusting is quite difficult when you have kids in the hospital. If I catch myself thinking in the long-term I have to stop myself immediately, the long-term is overwhelming – the short-term I can totally do.
I am RELIEVED each night as I lay down to fall asleep and think about my little fighters making it through another day. I find myself taking a long slow breath and thanking God for giving us this day with our boys. Knowing that each and every day is truly a gift that will hopefully bring us to a lifetime of days.
I am TIRED. I think I could sleep for days and still be tired.
I am HOPEFUL, in fact I am filled with hope. I have so much hope that it overflows at times. I have hope that in a year from now this time will only be a memory. I have hope that my boys will have a full and happy life and will only be stronger for the way they started off in the world. I have hope that our family will come out on top after all of this, that our finances, our needs, or emotional state will remain intact as we go through this difficult time.
And perhaps most of all I am GRATEFUL. I can’t say enough how grateful I am for the friends and family that surround us. We have been inundated with offers to help, food, support, prayers, kind words and love. Each sentiment we receive strengthens us and reminds us once again how blessed we are to have all of you in our lives. And we are so absolutely grateful for the nurses and doctors at Children’s Hospital. It makes all the difference to be confident that everyone dealing with our boys are chasing the same goal. What they do on a daily basis with our kids is amazing and we are so grateful for their talents and expertise.
Ahhh…that feels better. I am so glad I took the time to get that out!
Dancing in the Rain 
Alison,
God bless you and your family. Your beautiful words give me strength and hope.
My continued thoughts and prayers are with you and those beautiful baby boys.
Jane
Prayers contine to flow your way Allison. Never lose sight of the REMARKABLE woman you are. Love and prayers continue to surround your family.
Ali,
Bless your family and those little boys, your strength (and your familys) is so amazing to me. Much thoughts and prayers for you and the sweet miracles.
-Nikki
Your strength is amazing…your boys have your strength and they are amazing too!
Ali- You really are a beautiful person inside and out! You truly amaze me with your writing. I am so happy to hear you all are surrounded by such a great support system! I think about all the emotions you must be going through not only day to day, but even hour to hour. A support system as strong as the one that surrounds you is a blessing in itself. We are here for you, any time, any day and for whatever the reason. We love you.
Wow, Alison, I’m so glad that you got all this out and it helped…. The strength that it takes to “maintain” through all this is hard for me to even imagine. I have to say that my opinion is you, too, are enduring this extremely difficult time with much grace. I loved reading that Griffin has pooped and that he is off the ventilator and got all choked up just picturing you changing his diaper. I’m planning to come to see the boys either this weekend or next. I’m waiting to hear from your dad – then I’ll know which weekend. Please feel you can call me anytime to “vent” or to talk about anything. I love you and Tim and all the little Camps so much.
Oh Allison, your Nov 2nd post is so beautifully written. You’ve made it easy to totally understand all those complicated emotions that roll up into each single second of your day. So much so that every mother who reads this can relate and actually feel what you said. (Even how you felt packing away your maternity clothes also jumped out to me because when I knew I’d never be pregnant again, I mourned.) Writing this hopefully helped you get some of the pain out of your heart. You both are hurting and dealing with all the confusion, being pulled with no advanced warning. It is like dodgeball with 100 rapid fire cannons aimed at you. All that support you and Tim feel is the love and compassion people genuinely feel for you and your family. It is there because you and your family have lived and cared for others – it is deserved. Let it cushion you through these days, and strengthen your faith that Jesus knows exactly what you all are going through and that He answers prayers. I read that a Mother’s prayers always get priority!!! Stay strong and expect it to all turn out beautifully.
Thank you so much for your words. Your analogies really hit the nail on the head!
You and the boys are in our hearts and prayers.