I keep hearing from friends, family and strangers how strong they think I am, how they are inspired or amazed by how we are handling yet another challenge.  These compliments, while wonderful and flattering, have forced me to contemplate if I am really am strong.  You see, I never thought of myself as strong – but rather someone who does what I need to do to make it through. Is that what strength is?  Just making it through?

I like this quote in regards to my approach to being strong:

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. 
Ambrose Redmoon

I am strong because I see no other way.  It is what needs to be done in that moment.  I don’t think this attitude is unique to me, I think this is how most people cope.  Because they have to. 

Don’t let me mislead you, in the comfort of my own home, or when alone in the car and my mind starts to wander there are times when I break down.  Or a random event will happen that will cause me to lose it.  For example, last year a few months after my mom died I was making dinner when I broke a glass dish.  Then Tim and I had to go outside to fix the satellite in the bad weather and we heard a crash come from the kitchen – the girls wanted pickles and in the process the jar broke.  I came inside, took one look at the mixture of shattered glass and pickle juice and went upstairs to cry.  I was crying for my mom – who knows why a series of broken things would cause me to miss her but it was one of the hardest cries I had since she passed. 

To be honest, I’m not sure that making it through the day equals strength – just a strong sense of survival.  Is that the definition of strength? For me, I just don’t see any other way.  This is what is happening to me in this moment, so I focus on just that – this one moment.   Treating each challenge as though it will cause me to spend all day in bed, or cry for hours, or break my spirit will get me nowhere.  Trust me I have tried it, and all it did was make me feel worse.  And besides, I have kids that depend on me. I don’t have time to stop and feel sorry for myself. 

Maybe strength is about perspective.  It is quite easy to lose it, feel defeated and helpless when you lose sight of the goal ahead of you or when you forget that you are not the only one in this world desperately trying to make it through a difficult time.  The week that I spent in the hospital before the boys came was one of the hardest weeks of my life, both physically and emotionally.  There were times when I couldn’t articulate what I wanted to make me more comfortable and I would get overwhelmed with laying upside down, with a catheter and contractions all at the same time.  I rolled over and let the tears roll down my face.  It was a definite low of the week.  But I made it through those few horrible hours by the time night came and in the dark I watched two Mercy Flight helicopters land outside my window.  Instantly, my feeling that I couldn’t take it any longer faded as I thought about who might be on that helicopter.  Perspective. 

I have a friend who has been fighting for her daughter’s health since the day she was born nearly nine months ago.  I’m only on day 7.   And she is fighting with grace.  Perspective. 

In a week it will be one year since my mom died suddenly.  We lost her forever.  Perspective.  

I can make it through today, by simply putting this day into perspective.  

Tomorrow is a different story – but I try not to think about that until tomorrow.