For years, like everyone else I have made a New Years resolution – most the time of the healthy persuasion.  Like the never-ending line of people waiting for treadmills at my gym every January I always went right to the fail safe “lose weight” promise to myself come the strike of midnight.

That was until a few years ago.

Those of you that have been following my blog know that the past few years have been nothing short of rocky for me and my family.  Having Addie early, losing my job due to budget cuts, losing my mom, getting my job back, having the boys REALLY early and then being laid off again…I don’t know anyone who could go through such an a time without becoming more aware of what is important to them.  Or as my latin teacher used to say to me as an often unfocused teenager “getting their ducks in row.”  

In the past few years Tim and I have created a tradition in our family that may just be one of my favorites of all of our holiday traditions.  Each New Years Eve we sit as a family and talk over dinner about our new resolutions, and we help each other come up with resolutions that matter, that keep us focused on what is most important to us.   (For example, Addie started with “make paper dolls of the boys,” but ended with “be better at sharing” and she was very helpful in creating Tim’s resolution with her suggestion of “love more butterflies”) During our “resolution dinner” I sit with the coming year’s calendar where I record everyone’s promise.  And then later I write them on our chalkboard wall in our kitchen ( I will add a picture of our wall to this post soon)  where they stay for the entire year for us to see each and every day.  We were a little late getting to them this year as we were out-of-town on New Years (hence the late post) but thanks to Kennedy’s reminding we finally wrote our “revolutions” as Kennedy calls them – an appropriate word substitution if you think about it!

However, this year was different from me and I blame it on the general state of happiness I find myself in these days.  I know it sounds sappy, but I can’t remember a time that I was more at peace with my life as it stands than I have been in the last six months.  It goes without saying that my life would be exponentially better if my mom were here. but I have come to place of peace with her absence in my acceptance that my longing for her will never go away.  And of course, life would also be easier if we had more money.  But whose wouldn’t?  I would like a time where I didn’t worry about bills but I am guessing that even millionaires worry about paying bills.  And when it comes to money this is where my ducks are all lined up, the money duck is toward the back of the line!  But I digress…  Overall I spend most of my days feeling grateful and blessed.  And to top it all off I feel good about myself, well, generally.  Each year I try hard to develop a meaningful resolution.  To create a promise to myself that will, in the end, make me a better person.  Two years ago it was “to be less judgemental.” and last year’s was “to enjoy more of my days and embrace more moments.” But up until today, until I sat at the salon at 7:30 at night getting my hair cut for the first time in six months, could I for the life of me come up with a resolution that met the requirement.

So here is what I wrote in the calendar during our resolution dinner – prepare yourself for lame.

“Be more efficient at completing laundry.”

Yep, you read it correctly.  In my state of contentment with my life all I could come up with to make myself a better person was to do laundry more efficiently!!   I live in a house with five other people, laundry, like dishes, is a never-ending problem!  But if I am being honest – I’m not good about putting clean clothes away.  So I thought 2013 should be the year hone my skills of laundry.  Lame.  I know.

And then tonight happened.  Tonight I took time for myself and I paid a professional, in a nice salon like I used to go to in the olden days (a.k.a. before I was a mom) to give me a great haircut.  And as she cut my hair we talked about how I dye my hair from a box these days because the time and effort and cost that it takes for me to go to a salon was just too much on all three fronts for me to take on.  Her response to my excuse, as she touched my brittle and cracking hair; “trust me, a lot of my mom clients tell me the same thing.”  In that moment I made a decision.  Next time I need my hair colored I am paying Suzie to do it, because darn it, I am worth it.

It was also in that moment that I finally came up with a resolution that has some heft to it.  I am erasing my lame laundry resolution and writing a new one.

Here it is.

“To take more time for myself.” 

It sounds so simple, yet I know it is easier said than done.  It is easy during days of laundry, dishes, sippy cups, diapers, cooking, homework checking, carpool, baths and bedtime stories to forget to take just a moment to be yourself and not a mom.  Maybe it is as simple as taking a moment to listen to a favorite station on Pandora, or paint my nails,  or go for a run… I’m thinking it doesn’t have to be grand but it does need to be a priority.  Hopefully having it on my chalkboard will remind me to make it so!

Happy 2013 -  may yours be one that gives you all that you need and makes you feel proud of yourself at the closing of the year!

You know when you haven’t talked to a good friend in a long time but you want to?  You put off picking up the phone to call, afraid it will be awkward – given the time between your last conversation.  Where do you begin the conversation?  Do you give a quick summary of the past few months?  Do you pretend like you have been in contact all along and just pick up in the present?  When you do finally getting around to calling them it  is like you never lost touch.  And you feel silly for not calling sooner.

That is what this blog has turned into for me over the past several months.  It has been so long since I last posted anything (9/22 to be exact) and so much has happened since then the task of catching up was daunting.  Friends and readers keep asking if I am going to keep blogging but I didn’t know where to begin.  So here is my answer to such a problem – a video update!  This should catch you up – so I can get back to regular writing as if I never took a break!  Enjoy and I will be back soon with a real blog post- I promise!

 Click here to watch the video :)

I know, I know it has been a while since my last post.  So long in fact, that I had to reset my password.  But since so many of you have been giving me gentle (and some not so gentle) nudges to write a new post I am giving up my morning to sleep in to sit in my bed (with my coffee of course) and write.  Happy now (Jeff)?!

Here is the thing, I have wanted to post, I have written partial posts here and not published them, in my notebook and never typed them…but none of them were exactly what I wanted to say.  So this morning I am just biting the bullet and writing some thoughts, even if they are scattered and unorganized.  Because that is where I am right now, like my unfinished posts my life is a series of unfinished projects, unfinished conversations and unfinished plans.  Can you blame me, I have four kids – I can’t even finish a cup of coffee!

And so, given the state of my life at the moment I have decided to take on a new mantra – “Is this important?  Why or why not?”  It may sound simple but it is harder than it seems.

We have had it pretty rough here in the Camp house over the past few years.  Tim was laid off, Addie was born two months early, my mom got sick, I was laid off, my mom passed away, the boys were born 15 weeks early, I was laid off again… Lets just say it hasn’t been easy.  While Tim now has a great job, and Addie and the boys are doing fine there are some things that happened over the past few years that I am not sure I will ever fully recover from.  These things shape who I am and how I view the world.  And  if I am being honest, sometimes they make me angry and bitter.  Tim and I have found that there is a very fine line between staying positive in life, finding a silver lining, hoping for a smoother future and being angry and resentful at all you have had to endure.  It takes great effort to stay on the side of the line of positivity, but most of the time we can.  However this May was not one of those times for me.  Gearing up for Mother’s Day took all of my effort and as I had predicted, it was painful.  My mom and I always spent the day together and I still feel young in my motherhood and so haven’t quite reached the point where I feel it is all about me.  A few days after Mother’s Day is my birthday and Tim and I had a great night out with friends.  The day after, I found out that my district would be cutting teachers with their shrinking budgets and enrollment and so once again, I would be out of a job.  The silver lining here is easy to see, I get to be with my kids, but personally this was a difficult pill to swallow.  I worked very hard for my degree and I am good at what I do so to have that taken from me stings.  Not to mention a job search takes energy and stamina (may I remind you I have four kids! Energy? Stamina? Yikes!).  So May was hard.  Hence, no posts.

However, listing our troubles of the past, comparing our difficult roads to the seemingly smooth roads I read about on Facebook does nothing for my fight to stay positive.  Cue the new mantra!

Is it important that I am no longer employed, that I may need to change careers in order to find steady work?  Yes.  Why?  Perhaps it is important because years from now I will look back at this crossroads in my life as the time I was forced to step outside my comfort zone of the classroom and pave a new path.  When I am a wildly successful author, my hand cramped from signing so many copies of my book to the line of people wrapped around the block of the bookstore I will think of this time as the moment my life as a career woman changed.

Is it important that our house is neglected, that clothes are rarely ever where they need to be, that I hate our couches and want new ones, that we need to paint but have neither the time nor the money to do so?  No.  These things are material.  There will always be clothes to put away and work to be done on the house.  Even if we were rolling in money, these things would still exist.  However, I can’t deny rolling in money would make them a lot easier to manage!  Still.  I have to let them go, and manage as best as we can.

Is it important that I deal with the loss of my mom, that I recognize how hard it is to be without her, especially during this past year when I really needed her?  Yes.  Why?  I was talking to a friend recently that suffered a loss a few years ago, she said she recognized in herself an anger towards the small things; while all of that anger was piling up she came to realize she wasn’t angry at the small stuff, she was angry at her loss.  Until she could come to terms with that grief, the anger would still be there.  So I am working on it, but it is hard.

Is is important that my children have matching outfits, combed hair and clean faces when out in public?  No.  And lately it isn’t that important for me to either!  I am proud of myself when we all make it out the door, so I have to learn to let some of my need for a shiny outward appearance go.  The other day I was walking through the grocery store, no make up, hair in a messy ponytail when I looked down at my shirt to see spit up stains.  I didn’t see those in the dim light of my livingroom but standing in the cereal aisle with the fluorescent bulbs beaming down was a different story.  The first thought that popped into my head was, Oh well, if these people only knew that I have four kids (two of them infants) at home they wouldn’t judge me for my messy appearance, they would applaud me for being out!  So I kept shopping with pride!

Is it important that Tim and I rarely get time to just be husband and wife?  Yes. Why? Because our relationship is the backbone for all other things.  Tim is what keeps me going when I am having a rough day, and without our strong bond all of these other things would be nearly unbearable. But can I do anything about it? No.  Hello - four kids, two dogs, no job…romantic evenings out will have to go on the back burner for a while!

Is it important that the boys continue to make strides and reach milestones? Yes, very!  And make strides they have!  Carter weighs about 16 pounds, has two teeth, can sit up on his own and is about to crawl.  We learned last month that his eyes work, but he wears a patch for an hour a day to correct a lazy eye.  Griffin weighs about 15 pounds, rolls and shimmies like a mad man, is really smart, and becoming quite the happy baby.  This is what really matters, this is what makes all the other unimportant stuff seem trivial. 

Is it important that our lives haven’t turned out the way that we planned?  No.  What is important is that we live in the moment and not live in what could have been.  This is really hard to do, especially for a planner like me.  Preparing for your wedding, just as your adult life is about to begin you don’t plan for the worst, I am not even sure if I knew what the worst was.  I planned for a white picket fence, BBQs, nice cars, fulfilling well-paying jobs, great friends…I planned for easy.  I planned for the life in the commercials, but now I know better, now I plan for happiness and love.  Whatever form that takes, in whatever way it comes.

It is important that we can’t afford to have the summer we would have liked, either financially or because of time, or the fact that we have two babies?  No.  What is important is that we make memories with our kids, and spend time together as a family.  And that we have.

There are just so many things that cause me to stress or worry in a day that I know are not important.  This is my new goal.  To prioritize my inner thoughts, to rangle in my stress and worry, to always ask myself; “Is this important?  Why or why not?” And then proceed accordingly.

This past weekend a friend of mine and her husband lost their daughter.  She was a bright, shining example of a child filled with love, even though many of her days were filled with sickness, feeding tubes, and endless medical procedures.  I won’t pretend that I knew her well, but in my encounters with her – I couldn’t help but love her.  She had something that made you want to do better with the time that you had. To witness this family laughing, smiling and loving with every bone in their bodies was truly inspiring.  In fact, my 2012 New Years resolution was inspired by my friend and her daughter.  “To make more with my days”  is written prominently in my kitchen and is a constant reminder to me that I must make a conscious effort to do more, make more and love more with each of my days.

Today I am sad, because I have been very close to loss in my recent past and I remember how grueling and painful the first few days are as if it were yesterday.  I haven’t written a blog in a while – and I might say it is because I am busy.  But honestly, it is because I am tired and consumed with my life in my modest home in my small town.  I look at writing like I look at working out – I’m often too tired to start but when I am done I am filled with a renewed sense of energy and zest for my life.  In this moment of reflection and sadness I need to write.  I need to make sense of the sorrow I feel for my friend and inspire myself to make more of my days once again.   If there was ever a time to dance in the rain – today is a day to learn to dance!

On Easter Griffin and Carter were six months old.  To say that I am overwhelmed when looking back at the past six months of my life would be an understatement.  I am overjoyed at their progress, and completely in love with the life that Tim and I have created for ourselves.  However hectic and tiring it may be there isn’t a day that doesn’t end with me thanking God for all that He has given me.  I am humbled to think that I could be surrounded with so much love.  From October 8th until April 8th we have made our way through what I hope will be the most difficult experience of our lives.  Griffin weighs 10.4 pounds and Carter 10.9.  They smile, coo and immediately look in my direction when I walk into a room and they hear my voice.  I am so love with these two little men, that I can’t help but miss them terribly during the few hours I take every Wednesday to get out of the house by myself.

Griffin and Carter’s journey into this world has given me another gift in addition to the gift of two beautiful sons.  I find myself calmer, more loving, and more in awe of Kennedy and Addison because the instant I look at the boys I am reminded how blessed I am to have the girls and just how fragile life can be.  Spending any amount of time in a children’s hospital is life changing.  I believe it makes you a better person, more compassionate and definitely more empathetic – or it least did me.  I am reminded that my children are a gift to cherish and to do the very best I can to help them become amazing, loving and kind adults.  I’m not ashamed to say that before the boys I was pretty strict.  Not mean, just strict with my girls.  Punctual bedtimes, proper attire, polite manners, learning ABCs and 123s, finishing veggies, and all the other “rules” I read in all my child rearing books held an important place in my parenting style.  I always led with love, even before experiencing Griffin and Carter’s fragility – but now leading with love has become my highest priority.  My girls rarely have perfect hair anymore, they usually choose their own (mismatched) outfits and I let them leave the table before finishing veggies (and I still give them dessert!).  I just don’t really care about that stuff anymore.  It just doesn’t seem that important.   Kennedy and Addison are pretty amazing – the joy they bring into our lives is overflowing.  My friend and her beautiful daughter, along with our own brush with immortality showed me just how special and perfect they are – messy hair, muddy feet, dirty finger nails and all!

I write this post sitting at my kitchen counter, sipping a glass of full-bodied red wine, listening to Sarah Bareilles radio on Pandora.  It has been a long day, a long weekend, a long six months for that matter.  Kennedy is on day three of the flu and is asleep in our bed.  Addison may be on the verge of sickness herself as this is the second night in a row she has been asleep by 6 pm.  Griffin and Carter had two doctor’s appointments today and Tim is recovering from a couple cracked ribs from his rugby game on Saturday.  So as Addie fell asleep on the couch watching Mickey and Tim did physical therapy exercises with the boys on the floor and dinner cooked in the oven I thought now was as good a time as any to gather my thoughts.  I hope they don’t sadden you but remind you that all that you have in this world is to be cherished and is temporary.  Today Griffin’s occupational therapist complimented me on how calm I am, and asked if I ever got frustrated.  Well of course I get frustrated but it is so fleeting that it doesn’t leave a blemish on the gratitude I feel for the life I have been given.  My friend’s example of how to love a child, watching my sons fight to survive and losing my mother give me a perspective that I will forever regard as a gift from God.

If I have learned anything from the path that I have walked and watched those close to me walk it is this:  this is temporary.  The good and the bad, is only for this moment – take it in and do what you can to be better because of it.

See how we did at Life in the Nest!

We have made it  to the halfway point of our financial fast – read how we are doing at Life in the Nest!